I like change.
Maybe too much.
I like growth.
But not enough to fight for it.
I want what I want when I want it.
And if I don’t get it I move on.
This is such a boyish, sissy, and weak pursuit of life!
“Give me what I’m asking for now or I’m going to throw a tantrum and walk away, because when I want something, I can go get it.
Unless, of course, that thing is the blessing of God, and a willingness to walk in obedience to His voice.
This is where I am being challenged in my life today, and not just today, but during this “season”, whatever in the heck that means.
Allow me to forewarn you that the next few sentences are going to make me sound completely arrogant, narcissistic, and pompous… or maybe I’m just shedding light on those things.
Singleness is a “gift” I have manipulated and taken advantage of throughout most of my adult life. I have been in like 3½ relationships over the last 11 years, none of them spanning over 14 months. And to be really honest, they have collectively lasted only about 3 years. So, 8 of these years have been spent being “single”. Translation: I’ve literally had sexuality, intimacy, conversations, dates, and “friends” within my own guidelines.
This sounds way more pathetic as I am writing it out than it does just reflecting on it.
My teenage years taught me that women were attracted to me, my interaction with humanity taught me that people aren’t interested in what’s true, but what they want to be true, and my fast paced, technology driven culture has taught me to “have it now.”
Even as a visionary I have heard multiple times, “Once you decide to choose something, you are going to be amazing at it.” Those words have been encouraging and ultimately have led me to dedicating to see The Collective all the way through.
The same has to be true for my heart, the visions I have of being a husband and a father, and the problem is: I have never diligently pursued someone when she isn’t “in.” I haven’t fought through the idea or reality of bad timing, and I have never allowed myself to be so involved with the idea of someone that the thought of not having them seems painfully detrimental to my future.
My struggle will continue to lie in the desire to have her now, but if I want her at all then that just simply isn’t possible…
And that’s ok.
The contemplation of not having a chance with her is way more depressing than the idea of it being exciting to have a chance with someone else.
Realistically, this is a battle for balance and patience. I’m either in or I’m out. I’m either hot or I’m cold. And this is just not a healthy place to live…
The blessing of being patient and fighting to see something through has to be more gratifying than going out and feeding a legitimate feeling illegitimately.
Only time will tell…
Prayer for all of us: Lord, thank you for this time of growth and refining. Please stir in the hearts of those who read this and if this is a struggle, open their hearts to your word and to finding a balance. Amen.